She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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