she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
