just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
