What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
