Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
