who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
