Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
