If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
