So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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