So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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