I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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