First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
