In the future we'll all be gay
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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