guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
In other news, I just burned my penis
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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