Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
