I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Randomize
