remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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