Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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