I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
