well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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