i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
