we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
