I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
