I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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