I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
