Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
