If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
