I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
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You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
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YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye