It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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