even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
