i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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