I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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