So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
