i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
