Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
