I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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