if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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