I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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