I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
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Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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