Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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