Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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