I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I cut my penus on the lid.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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