I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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