I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
