God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
