Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
