i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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