I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize