Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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