Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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