I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
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I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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