It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
This is classic penis vs brain.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
