If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just found puke in my bra..
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud