i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.