If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
