I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
