There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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