She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
