You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
