I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
