as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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