I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
