I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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