so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
