I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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