you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
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Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
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It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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